I posted this on FB:
In the past year, I’ve heard lot of stupid stuff, some was well-meaning, some was just ignorant. I normally keep quiet and try to be all zen about it. But sometimes it just gets too much.
Here’s the thing – Having a bad breakup, getting divorced are not the same as losing your soulmate. Yes, they all are bad things that happened to you and no one should have to go through such things. Not having someone in your life is lot different than not having someone alive. You can’t drunk-dial them. You haven’t split up because things didn’t work out between you two. There’s literally no justification. You are not better off in this situation. There’s no silver-lining. You can’t get drunk with your girlfriends and collectively hate him.
Similarly losing a parent/friend/family member isn’t the same. Yes, It’s awful. I wish it hadn’t happened to you. But try going to bed each night knowing your soulmate isn’t alive anymore. Try getting up in the middle of night to reach for him and realise once again that he is never going to be there. Try waking up every morning and lose him all over again. And this realisation that he isn’t there anymore, it happens multiple times a day and each time your heart just breaks into thousand pieces. You think you’ll learn to live with it. But it’s been a year and it just hurts more. Just don’t compare, your grief doesn’t tell you how my grief is.
Oh and your accidentally killing someone is *definitely* not the same.
“You should start dating” Maybe one day I’ll date again, maybe I won’t. We don’t know that. And telling a grieving person to start dating is kinda hurtful. What I am supposed to do, go to a bar and cry on a stranger’s shoulder because he isn’t Simon?
And same goes for “you are young, you’ll find love again”. I don’t care. I don’t want to find love. I had it. In fact what I had in short time is more than what most people will ever get to experience. Also, what if I was 70? Would you not want me to find love then?
Don’t even get me started on “Are you selling your house?” “You should move to a smaller place” “How are you managing your mortgage?” “Isn’t your house too big for you now?” I’m still trying to understand how my housing situation is anyone’s business. Unless I’m asking for a handout to pay for my mortgage, you do not get to comment on it. I can barely get out of bed and you want me to take big decisions like this? What if I agree house is too big, would you come and chop it in two?
“You have got your whole life ahead of you” Yes, Do I want it though? No. It isn’t the same without Simon. My laughter went with him. I exist now, not live. We were going to get old together. We had plans. Telling me this, doesn’t help me. It just reminds me of what I have lost.
And the best one was today. Someone noticed my new tattoo and asked about it. I mentioned it’s significance and how it connects me to Simon. This person went “but it *is* permanent, you know. It won’t go away.” You know what else is permanent – my husband’s death. I live with that every day and that’s not going away either. If you can’t something nice, just don’t say it.
And I understand that lot of people have no idea that I’m not doing fine. So they get surprised when I say I can’t go to the movies anymore or that I haven’t been sleeping well. “But you are doing so well.” Well, the thing is I like to scream when I am alone and you haven’t noticed that I spend quite a lot of time in bathroom these days. Also, shout out to people who say “why do you need to see a counsellor?” I don’t know. Maybe so I don’t kill myself or maybe so I can make sense of what has happened. In any case, it’s inappropriate to say things like this. People like you propagate Mental Health stigmas.
TLDR; Don’t be a dick and just think about what you say to grieving people.
Letters to Simon 