Dear Simon,

It’s been 3 years and 22 days since you are gone. I’m still struggling to write to you. I cry almost every night, wishing for you to come back. My GP thinks I’ve PTSD. Maybe I do. I’m seeing a new therapist now. She wants me to write down what you have brought to my life. She wants to write what you would want me to do. I do not want to write any of those things. When I think of former, I cannot go beyond the joy you brought to me. When I think of latter, I find that I do not care. I do not care if you would want me to go on or if you would want me to be happy. I’m angry at you for leaving me. For leaving me without any instructions, without any promises. I do not care what you want anymore. I want you back and that’s about it. No one seems to understand this. I cannot be rational when it comes to you. Grief has broken me. It is slowly eroding my spirit and I do not how to stop this. I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking of you all the time, wishing for the impossible.

Everyone grows up with dreams and goals. Some secret and some not so secret. I’ve none left, save for reuniting with you. You were going to show me your favourite places. We were going to visit my dream destinations. We were going to raise amazing children. And now we will never have any of those. We will never share our fears and our successes.

I am visiting a town to get away from things and yet I cannot get away at all. Every time I look at something, I think how you will never see this. I go to shops and all I can think of is things that you would like, presents for you. It’s exhausting. And yet I continue to plod along. I forgot to bring my pillow and remembered how you never forgot it. There’s a spa bath, just how you like our holiday accomodations to have. But then you are not here to enjoy it and it is distressing. It is so tiring and I wish I could end it all.

I’ve survived 3 years and 22 days. And maybe I’ll survive another 3 years. But at what cost? When does it ever end? When do I get to just rest? This unfairness of life is so unbearable. No one ever told me this cost of having your soulmate. I do not think I can continue to pay this. Shouldn’t their be a time limit? A point where it’s deemed enough. Where I have suffered enough. Where it all finishes and we are together. Would that point ever arrive?

I miss you with all my heart and each of my breath.

Yours forever

S