March 2020 – Letters to Simon

Hi Simon,

After I wrote you the letter yesterday I discovered a little fire in our outer wall. All under control now. I guess you were watching over us because even though it was next to the timber beam, it stayed away from it. We are also lucky to have neighbours who came to check on us and made sure things were safe. This included climbing over roof in dark.

A friend of ours is going through grief of watching her dad die from brain cancer. Another family friend lost their dad. How awful is it to watch your friends suffer through grief! I wish no one ever had to face this pain.

I was watching this TV show and thinking if I had any regrets apart from the fact you didn’t get your pedicure. Sometimes I regret buying a house and locking us in. Would’ve been nice if I could’ve just quit and spent all the time with you. But that would mean acknowledging that you were going to die. So I guess, I would still do what I did. Go on as if you were going to be around forever. What I really regret is not downing those pills as soon as you closed your eyes forever. Living without you serves no purpose. I have been trying and I will keep trying. But I do wish I had the strength to end it all in the beginning itself. Then there would be no expectation, from anyone. And we would be together. Forever. Like we meant to. Or not. Well, I wouldn’t know and there won’t be this pain.

I wish I could be with you and just not be alone.

Miss you so much

Hey Simon,

Funny thing happened today. A friend who has been bit unresponsive in past few months finally replied to my question about if something had happened. She told me that our catch-ups make her feel bad, so she would rather not hang out anymore. As is my wont, I tried to dissect with few other people. Not one of my best decisions, that conversation has made me feel worse about myself and I’m left wondering if it’s me, or my grief.

I’ve been trying to be a better person since past year. I’ve been working on my triggers with the therapist and learning to live with your loss. Honestly I haven’t been much suicidal from past year. I have had my good days and bad, but overall good days have won. I’ve been exercising more, walking more, socialising more. I am trying. I don’t know what else I can do. I am still lonely. I still miss you every day.

I listened to her jokes about my stance on buying only ethical clothing, or to be more mindful about my environmental impact. I supported her when she had issues with work. I valued her opinions about books. I understood when she couldn’t be there for me.

I wish you were here, so I could talk to you about it. I’m not an insecure person by default. But I still need you to prop me up. I sometimes feel I have forgotten to talk to people. I’m more intense at times, I forget to shut up, I am more blunt, I am just a half person.

Wishing so bad you were here.

Month: March 2020

Regrets

For the friends I have lost