Hey Simon,
Funny thing happened today. A friend who has been bit unresponsive in past few months finally replied to my question about if something had happened. She told me that our catch-ups make her feel bad, so she would rather not hang out anymore. As is my wont, I tried to dissect with few other people. Not one of my best decisions, that conversation has made me feel worse about myself and I’m left wondering if it’s me, or my grief.
I’ve been trying to be a better person since past year. I’ve been working on my triggers with the therapist and learning to live with your loss. Honestly I haven’t been much suicidal from past year. I have had my good days and bad, but overall good days have won. I’ve been exercising more, walking more, socialising more. I am trying. I don’t know what else I can do. I am still lonely. I still miss you every day.
I listened to her jokes about my stance on buying only ethical clothing, or to be more mindful about my environmental impact. I supported her when she had issues with work. I valued her opinions about books. I understood when she couldn’t be there for me.
I wish you were here, so I could talk to you about it. I’m not an insecure person by default. But I still need you to prop me up. I sometimes feel I have forgotten to talk to people. I’m more intense at times, I forget to shut up, I am more blunt, I am just a half person.
Wishing so bad you were here.
xx
S
Letters to Simon 