Author: Another Dreamer

It’s done

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Your event is back!!! It was a success. We raised quite a bit of money. Your best friend and family were there to help out. Few people promised but didn’t show up. A number of your friends didn’t even acknowledge it which ngl hurt a little. But I guess that is the way. It’ll be 9 yrs this year. Long time for it to be just a memory for them.

For me, it was just yesterday when we were discussing which movie to watch or what game to play. And I just found out someone else lost their partner. How awful! I can’t believe someone else will now know this pain. It shouldn’t be so. Why does this keep happening? And why does other people’s pain brings up mine so badly? Why can’t I be like others and shrug it off?

So many whys? and not a single answer. Except that it’s so unfair. And I miss you so much. And the pain hasn’t lessened, even though everyone kept saying it will. My heart still feels like it will burst. And I’m still surprised that it’s not failed with all this pain. The only organ in my body that works well and the one I wish didn’t.

I guess this weekend just brought up everything close to the surface and today’s news hasn’t helped. I’m noticing that I miss you even more during board game events where people come with their kids and partners. It would’ve been us. That was our dream and now it’ll never happen. One day i’ll make my peace with it. But just not today.

Loving you always. xx

It’s been a while

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Oh Hey Simon,

Can’t believe I haven’t written anything for almost 4 years. So much has happened in this time. We have been talking, but I think I should write as well. I did manage to find another job in 2020, I quite liked it til the person who hired me quit, and I ended up with someone not so nice as my boss. Though Im still in same place, and just trudging along.

I was finally able to visit my parents when lockdowns ended. Finished my Diploma (I opted to exit the masters with it when University became too demanding about my visiting campus and at the same time switched all units to daytime). Went to china with a friend. Had couple of other surgeries. Got another dog at end of 2020. He’s the cutest. You now have 3 nephews. Your parents moved. Your cousin got married. Your friends are busy having babies as well.

And the biggest news of all, Im playing board games again, and your games are back on. It’s bitter sweet. One would think that after 8.5 yrs, I would’ve learned to be ok without you or would’ve mourned everything we did. But nope, playing board games again, makes me miss you all over again. It highlights the empty chair. It reminds me of the good times we had. Watching other couples playing together, introducing this hobby to their children, makes me miss us. Would we have become one of those families? Would we have formed a common group or would we have our own set of friends? How would our shelf look? So many questions. Never any answer.

And it hurts. Still hurts so much. Organising this event in particular has been opening wounds that I thought were healed. I’m meant to be dealing better with things now, not tearing up while going through old photos to find one of you playing games. or while writing a mundane post like this. I guess that’s what grief is. Never really goes away.

Still missing you. Still wishing you were here.

Over 2020

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Hey Simon,

I have had some interesting months. After that fire, it was discovered that I have clots in both my lungs after ab overnight hospital visit. So started dealing with that. Got laid off. Thanks Covid-19. City went in lockdown, so no friends or family visit. I decided to take little break and focus on me for a bit. Then obviously started to look for job and couldn’t find. Then I had options and ended up taking one of them. I start on Monday and am so anxious about it. I wish you were here, so I could talk to you about it.

It’s weird. I thought people would relate more to being a widow in lockdown days. Sadly not. Now people just focus on their own isolation, not that some of us have been living in a kind of isolation since losing our partners. I’m anxious all the time and unmotivated. I wonder how it would be if you were here. Would we be watching netflix together? playing board games? knocking down home projects? Would you have joined the world in bread baking? All the things, you could’ve been doing, but are not. All those possibilities!!! Sometimes I wonder if you are alive in a parallel world.

2020 was meant to be my year. I was meant to have learned to live ok without you. Your loss was meant to just inside me. Instead, it’s still seeping out of me. I still miss you with each breath. I count the time I have been without you and wonder how long I will stay without you. I wish this would end.

Missing you with breath xx

S

Regrets

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Hi Simon,

After I wrote you the letter yesterday I discovered a little fire in our outer wall. All under control now. I guess you were watching over us because even though it was next to the timber beam, it stayed away from it. We are also lucky to have neighbours who came to check on us and made sure things were safe. This included climbing over roof in dark.

A friend of ours is going through grief of watching her dad die from brain cancer. Another family friend lost their dad. How awful is it to watch your friends suffer through grief! I wish no one ever had to face this pain.

I was watching this TV show and thinking if I had any regrets apart from the fact you didn’t get your pedicure. Sometimes I regret buying a house and locking us in. Would’ve been nice if I could’ve just quit and spent all the time with you. But that would mean acknowledging that you were going to die. So I guess, I would still do what I did. Go on as if you were going to be around forever. What I really regret is not downing those pills as soon as you closed your eyes forever. Living without you serves no purpose. I have been trying and I will keep trying. But I do wish I had the strength to end it all in the beginning itself. Then there would be no expectation, from anyone. And we would be together. Forever. Like we meant to. Or not. Well, I wouldn’t know and there won’t be this pain.

I wish I could be with you and just not be alone.

Miss you so much

S

For the friends I have lost

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Hey Simon,

Funny thing happened today. A friend who has been bit unresponsive in past few months finally replied to my question about if something had happened. She told me that our catch-ups make her feel bad, so she would rather not hang out anymore. As is my wont, I tried to dissect with few other people. Not one of my best decisions, that conversation has made me feel worse about myself and I’m left wondering if it’s me, or my grief.

I’ve been trying to be a better person since past year. I’ve been working on my triggers with the therapist and learning to live with your loss. Honestly I haven’t been much suicidal from past year. I have had my good days and bad, but overall good days have won. I’ve been exercising more, walking more, socialising more. I am trying. I don’t know what else I can do. I am still lonely. I still miss you every day.

I listened to her jokes about my stance on buying only ethical clothing, or to be more mindful about my environmental impact. I supported her when she had issues with work. I valued her opinions about books. I understood when she couldn’t be there for me.

I wish you were here, so I could talk to you about it. I’m not an insecure person by default. But I still need you to prop me up. I sometimes feel I have forgotten to talk to people. I’m more intense at times, I forget to shut up, I am more blunt, I am just a half person.

Wishing so bad you were here.

xx

S

So Angry

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Simon,

I am so mad at you for dying and leaving me alone. Fuck you.

Fuck you for dying. Fuck you for leaving me alone. Fuck you for the dreams. Fuck you for leaving me with this house that you loved. Fuck you for not being around when I need you. Fuck me for not dying with you. Fuck me for sticking around. Fuck me for complaining about it. Fuck whatever higher power is there for this pain. Fuck universe. Fuck life for being unfair.

Fuck you for loving me so much that nothing will ever compare. Fuck me for wanting company, but not really wanting it.

Fuck this life. Fuck this grief.

S

Losing you

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Worse part about losing someone to death isn’t really losing them, it’s losing them every day. Sometimes you lose them when you wake up, sometimes when you go to bed, when you are out, when you are in. In the beginning, it’s happens 1000 times a day. Then slowly it happens little less. But it still happens. It happens in happy occasions, sad occasions, occasions with chocolates, occasions with people, occasions without people. And every time it happens, you lose your breath and wonder how you are still alive. How are you doing this without them holding you? How are they doing without you? Are they thinking of you as much as you do? Because if you spent so much time thinking about anyone alive, you would most likely be called obsessed.
Miss you and love you, Simon. Always. Xx

Note: posted on FB

4 years and…

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Dear Simon,

It’s been 4 years since you have been gone. I wish I could say it hurts less, it doesn’t. Your absence is as strong as ever. I don’t know when I would be able to say that I don’t reach out for you in my sleep.

I sat through another funeral couple of weeks back. I wasn’t planning to sit through another funeral for few more years, let alone for a child. I still can’t believe she died. She was mini-you. It’s almost as if I have lost you again. So unfair.

In more positive note, I got a dog few months back and she’s been good. She’s always cuddling up to me and giving me hugs. It has helped, a little. Going for walks with her has made me little more social, we have made friends. You would’ve loved her. And it hurts me that we never got to be a family together.

I’m planning to go on a solo trip in two weeks. Should be exciting, yes? But the closer it gets, more sad I become. We were meant to visit these places together. How am I supposed to enjoy any view without you?

There is so much I want to tell you, so much to share. But in the end, it all comes down to wishing you back. I just need you back with me.

Missing you,

S

 

Things he never got to do

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

“And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn’t crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I’ve never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands? He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.”
― Ray Bradbury

This year I’m grieving more for the things Simon will never get to do. Maybe because of his 30th birthday. Milestones remind us of things we have done, dreams we have fulfilled, things that are to come. He didn’t get to do that and he never would. All those joys, celebrations that he will never be a part of.. those cryptic crosswords left unfinished.. books left unread.. books left unwritten.. places left untraveled.. games left unplayed.. I wonder if universe knows what it lost, when it lost him.

Note: posted on FB

So tired

~ Another Dreamer ~ Leave a comment

Dear Simon,

It’s been 3 years and 22 days since you are gone. I’m still struggling to write to you. I cry almost every night, wishing for you to come back. My GP thinks I’ve PTSD. Maybe I do. I’m seeing a new therapist now. She wants me to write down what you have brought to my life. She wants to write what you would want me to do. I do not want to write any of those things. When I think of former, I cannot go beyond the joy you brought to me. When I think of latter, I find that I do not care. I do not care if you would want me to go on or if you would want me to be happy. I’m angry at you for leaving me. For leaving me without any instructions, without any promises. I do not care what you want anymore. I want you back and that’s about it. No one seems to understand this. I cannot be rational when it comes to you. Grief has broken me. It is slowly eroding my spirit and I do not how to stop this. I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking of you all the time, wishing for the impossible.

Everyone grows up with dreams and goals. Some secret and some not so secret. I’ve none left, save for reuniting with you. You were going to show me your favourite places. We were going to visit my dream destinations. We were going to raise amazing children. And now we will never have any of those. We will never share our fears and our successes.

I am visiting a town to get away from things and yet I cannot get away at all. Every time I look at something, I think how you will never see this. I go to shops and all I can think of is things that you would like, presents for you. It’s exhausting. And yet I continue to plod along. I forgot to bring my pillow and remembered how you never forgot it. There’s a spa bath, just how you like our holiday accomodations to have. But then you are not here to enjoy it and it is distressing. It is so tiring and I wish I could end it all.

I’ve survived 3 years and 22 days. And maybe I’ll survive another 3 years. But at what cost? When does it ever end? When do I get to just rest? This unfairness of life is so unbearable. No one ever told me this cost of having your soulmate. I do not think I can continue to pay this. Shouldn’t their be a time limit? A point where it’s deemed enough. Where I have suffered enough. Where it all finishes and we are together. Would that point ever arrive?

I miss you with all my heart and each of my breath.

Yours forever

S